Thursday, November 15, 2012
"Off" days
Some days I really struggle with worthiness - most days now I know that I am worthy of love, care, and friendship, but then there are days like Monday, days when I'm not sure that I belong here, not sure that I deserve anything. And all it takes is for someone I love to treat me badly, to act like I'm somehow invisible to them. And in addition to dealing with my NFOO, I have a husband who has been passive-aggressive his whole life, which we've sort of worked around, but who is now in the early stages of dementia and can't seem to see me at all some days. So the P/A makes him not give me what I want/need and the dementia sends him off into some zone where he can only see himself. AACK! And now that I'm seeing how I've been treated my whole life by my NFOO, I see my husband doing the same thing - it's pretty dreadful some days, sorting through what he can and can't control, and keeping NFOO crap separate from the P/A crap and the dementia crap. Wow- as I write this, I'm wondering how I've managed to keep all of these balls in the air for all these years! And my life is becoming more restricted as I see the dementia affecting more and more areas of his life - there are days when I don't feel I can leave him alone at all because he's sometimes dangerous to himself - mishandling knives and blades, leaving a burner on and walking out of the kitchen, not looking carefully before crossing a street, etc. Other days he seems fine and I'm OK leaving for periods of time. But I have to be watchful all the time - we had decided that he wasn't going to take the bus anymore because getting on and off can be tricky in the city we live in. After about 2 weeks, I found out he was taking the bus again - he says that he thought that rule was only for "then." So now I have someone come in one morning a week to take him to do errands and I'm thinking maybe after Christmas we'll add another morning so that I have times when I can either be alone or go and do what I want to do without worrying about what he might be doing on his own... So after writing all this, I guess it's not a surprise that I have "off" days, days when I question my worthiness, days when life seems overwhelming, frustrating, and just plain too difficult! These are the days when I wish I had seen all the narcissistic stuff sooner and dealt with it when I was younger - and then I remember that at least I've seen it now and am dealing with it now and that most of my days are so much better for that!
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Hi Toto, you sound kind of isolated, while dealing with the stress of your husband's increasing dementia. Do you have a decnet support network? Life IS difficult; but you're seeing the narcissistic stuff now, and you are setting what look like really firm boundaries. I love in your posts how you seem to arrive at a positive place by the end of each post. To me this sounds like true inner strength. I know what you mean about some days, all it takes is for, say, the grocery bagger to go nuts on me, to push me into feeling like everyone's against me. You won't be seeing NFOO over the "holidays" (a word I hate) I hope?
ReplyDeleteI can't remember if I told you or not, but I started another blog, public.
Here is a link to it, and if you like you could put the link here under blogs you follow (your choice, no worries or hurt feelings if you decide not to). But you might like a few of the new posts. I'm tired of being bullied and want to start with a (fairly) clean slate. love CS
http://calibanssisters.blogspot.com/
CS- thanks for the blog information - I read it all and I'm so glad that you're doing this again. Periodically, I consider a public blog but have decided to wait on that a bit; seems there's enough chaos in my life right now without inviting more in! I do have a support network in the States and SKYPE keeps me in contact with my loving friends, but developing a network in the midst of figuring out how to keep my boundaries strong and dealing with a now difficult man who has a relatively rare form of a disease while living in a foreign (but lovely!) country is tough. The expat community here is fluid - 2 really good friends have gone back to the States - and since I'm an introvert, I am having some trouble connecting. However, living here allows me to be home with my husband (while having affordable medical care) and for the next few years, that's what I need. And I've discovered weaving! How wonderful is that?
ReplyDeleteMorning Toto. Or afternoon in Old Blighty. Weaving is something I've always wanted to learn, for real (not Knitting, that would be hard on my carpal tunnel), but with a loom, it would be very meditative, Zen, and incredibly creative. God bless the UK, which has the human decency to provide national health service. As do many other European democracies. The US is shameful in this regard. But hey, Big Pharma rules. Maybe Obamacare will help, but it won't go far enough.
ReplyDeleteI didn't go "public" with new blog to make anyone else feel that they should. I just wanted to again, personally, because I don't like to let myself be bullied out of the public realm. With regard to RC, though, once Upsi and Jonsi and Q started f-ing around with my writing in there, and so many others caught their fever, I felt violated and that they no longer had a right to read it. If I had done that to any of their posts, they would've gone ballistic. But wait--they did anyway. Hah!
Weaving feeds my soul, but some days it falls short of meditative and Zen - there can be true frustration involved! And yes, it would be nice if the US could get a grip on healthcare - the cost of care here is sooooo reasonable and the doctors actually listen to you - it's wonderful! I have healthcare here primarily so I can get international healthcare - one accident in the States while we're visiting would wipe us out. So sad... (And healthcare coverage for both of us here and for me in the States - international - costs about $1000 per year.) If Medicare stays in place, we can come home in about 3 years!
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